How Long Do You Wait?

There are times in life when waiting is sensible.

And there are times when waiting becomes little more than an excuse for not accepting that something simply isn’t going to happen.

The difficulty, of course, is knowing which is which.

We often measure waiting by time.

I’ve been waiting six months.

I’ve given this three years.

How much longer am I supposed to wait?

It seems perfectly reasonable.

But I wonder whether time is actually the right thing to measure.

Some things simply take a long time.

A business can take years before it succeeds. A relationship can go through a difficult period. An idea may take far longer to develop than we imagined. Something that appears to be going nowhere may suddenly change because one final piece falls into place.

Equally, we can spend years pursuing something that was never going to happen.

And perhaps that’s why how long have I waited? doesn’t really tell us very much.

There is another temptation.

We look at the potential reward.

If this works, imagine what it could become.

That can certainly justify patience.

But potential can also be remarkably seductive.

The bigger the possible reward, the easier it becomes to find reasons to give something another month, another year, another chance.

So perhaps potential reward isn’t a particularly reliable measure either.

There may be another question worth asking.

What has changed while I’ve been waiting?

That seems different.

If six months ago something was little more than an idea, but today there are people involved, decisions being made, obstacles being removed and tangible evidence that it is moving forward, then six months have not simply disappeared.

Something has developed.

The outcome may still be uncertain, but perhaps it has become more likely.

On the other hand, if six months have passed and nothing has changed except the explanations for why nothing has happened, perhaps that tells us something too.

The distinction can be uncomfortable.

Because persistence is something most of us admire.

Don’t give up.

Keep going.

Believe in yourself.

They’re wonderful sentiments.

Until persistence becomes stubbornness.

And stubbornness can look remarkably like determination when we’re the person doing it.

There is also something else we don’t always consider when deciding whether to continue.

What would we actually do instead?

We tend to compare the uncertain thing we’re pursuing with an imaginary alternative in which our time would immediately become productive, profitable or wonderfully fulfilling.

But perhaps the real alternative isn’t quite so impressive.

Sometimes continuing with something uncertain may still be a perfectly reasonable use of our time — particularly if we continue questioning it rather than blindly believing in it.

None of this gives us an answer.

I don’t think there is one.

We can examine the evidence carefully, make what seems to be an entirely rational decision and still get it wrong.

We can walk away the day before everything would have changed.

Or continue for years with something that never does.

Perhaps uncertainty is simply part of the price of pursuing anything whose outcome we cannot control.

So maybe the question isn’t:

How long have I waited?

And perhaps it isn’t:

How much could I gain if it happens?

Maybe it is something much simpler.

Has what happened while I’ve been waiting given me more reason to continue — or less?

And if we can answer that question without allowing impatience, hope, pride or fear to answer it for us, perhaps we have something useful to work with.

Not certainty.

Just a reasoned decision about whether to continue.

And sometimes, that may be all we can reasonably ask for.

A conversation shouldn’t be one-sided.
You may agree with some of this, disagree completely, or have an experience of your own to share. Either way, I’d be interested to hear what you think.