Does It Really Matter Who Wins or Who Is Right?

There are times when being right matters.

If someone is being harmed, if an important decision depends upon the facts, or if the truth itself matters, then of course it matters who is right.

But a surprising amount of the time, it doesn’t.

And yet we can expend an extraordinary amount of energy proving that it was Tuesday, not Wednesday; that we did say something, or didn’t say something; that this happened before that; or simply that our recollection of an event is more accurate than somebody else’s.

I’ve done it.

Most of us have.

And sometimes, somewhere in the middle of trying to establish that we are right, we lose sight of a much more useful question:

None of this means we shouldn’t have opinions.

You are just as entitled to yours as anyone else is to theirs. And there is nothing wrong with defending it.

But perhaps there is a difference between defending an opinion and needing to defeat somebody else’s.

Remove the argument. Remove the need to be right. Remove the aggression. What remains can be a meaningful, robust and mature discussion between two people who simply see something differently.

And that can be enormously stimulating.

I’ve had conversations with people whose views were completely opposed to mine and thoroughly enjoyed them. Sometimes I’ve come away thinking differently. Sometimes they have. And sometimes neither of us has shifted an inch.

That’s okay.

We don’t have to agree.

Perhaps all that is required is the willingness to listen to another point of view without getting bent out of shape simply because it isn’t ours.

There is one word of caution I would add, though, and this comes from personal experience.

Be careful when the disagreement is really about the person rather than the subject.

If there are already negative feelings involved — anger, resentment, hurt or simply a strong dislike of someone — objectivity becomes considerably harder. It is very easy to think we are arguing about the subject when in reality we are arguing with the person.

I have found that when I recognise that in myself, there isn’t much value in continuing.

Change the subject.

Or simply walk away.

There will always be another opportunity for a discussion when emotions aren’t doing the talking for us.

So perhaps the question isn’t really:

Am I right?

Perhaps it is:

Does being right matter here?

And if it doesn’t, maybe we can let it go.

After all, a relationship or friendship seems rather more valuable than establishing, once and for all, whether the bloody vase was turquoise or Ming blue.

And as for resentment…

Well, perhaps we should save that for another conversation.

Does being right actually matter here?